Why Do I Have Trouble Setting Boundaries? (Hint: You Might Be an HSP)
If there is one thing we need to practice more in life, it’s the art of setting boundaries. Creating healthy boundaries around our needs helps us feel whole, safe, and grounded, yet we have so much trouble upholding this high standard of self-care. It can be especially difficult to set and maintain healthy boundaries for highly sensitive people (HSPs), who tend to operate from a deep sense of empathy and, as a result, often put the needs and feelings of others before our own. (If you’re curious to learn whether you’re an HSP, you can take the quiz here.)
I must admit that I struggle with this, too. Even the act of writing that “I deserve to put my needs first” makes me feel selfish and unkind. A particularly painful but powerful example of a time when I learned about the importance of setting boundaries is when I worked under a group of difficult-to-please, competitive managers. There comes a point when the demands of your higher ups make you feel lost in how to care for yourself and honor your need for space to do your work creatively and take the time you need to recharge.
This often happens with HSPs in the workplace…especially in traditional corporate atmospheres. Our soft, loving, and kind nature makes it tough to thrive in an environment that values “bigger,” “better,” “faster,” “tougher.”
It is an uncomfortable truth in life that most people are out for themselves no matter who they hurt, and it’s far from fair. But instead of caving and crawling back into our safe place when we are challenged or left behind, we HSPs can learn how to stick up for ourselves and put our own wants and needs before those who would disregard them. It’s all about setting boundaries from a place of self-love, which, when we operate from this place of strength, can change the trajectory of our lives greatly.
I still surprise myself when I find the courage to be bolder and more courageous about sticking up for my needs — especially when it feels unsafe to do so — but there is so much to be gained when we lean into our fears instead of running from them. Imagine how good it would feel to say “I’d love to hang out with you, but I’m busy that day” to a demanding friend who drains your energy. Maybe instead, you do something that fuels you, such as staying in, lighting candles, and curling up with a good book. Imagine you were able to say, “Thank you so much for the job offer, but it doesn’t align with my current need to work from home,” so you can say “yes” to the employer cares about a better work-life balance. To protect our emotional health, we need to practice saying “No, thank you” to scenarios that deplete us and “Yes, please!” to those that fill us up.
The good news — that I hope brings you comfort and encourages you — is that you do not have to stay stuck in the vicious cycle of letting people walk all over you. You can command people’s respect and do what’s right for you. It might feel awkward and uncomfortable at first, but the more you practice setting boundaries that put your needs first, the more incredible it feels and the more confidence you gain in the long run.
If you’re struggling to set healthy boundaries for yourself and constantly feel swept up along with everyone else’s idea of what’s good for you, use these tips to act on your next steps toward expressing your needs in a way that aligns with your values. In this article, I’ll cover why it’s so hard for HSPs to set boundaries, then give you some ideas for moving forward.
As always, be sure you give yourself lots of grace and love as you take the time you need to figure out what works best for you.
Why Is Setting Boundaries So Hard for HSPs?
One marker of high sensitivity is noticing more and being more aware of what’s going on around us. Not only are HSPs sensing more of our environment that non-HSPs, but we also process these observations more deeply. This depth of processing is what drains and overwhelms us the most and is especially present when we analyze the emotions of others (which has been proven by scientific studies of the HSP brain). For example, we don’t just notice when someone gives us a dirty look. We also ruminate every reason and fault of ours that might have caused it, then think about all the ways we can avoid that reaction in the future.
Being an HSP is a gift, but it can also feel like a curse at times.
This awareness and depth of processing is also why we feel empathy so deeply, and it’s the empathy part that makes it tough for HSPs to set boundaries. We are far too busy worrying about how those boundaries might push people away rather than how good it will feel to live a life that satisfies our needs — especially for those of us who lack the confidence to do so.
This is because HSPs fear that setting boundaries will cause painful outcomes, such as:
conflict or confrontation
appearing selfish or unkind
feelings of guilt, shame, and uncertainty
rejection by coworkers, friends, or loved ones
a recurrence of past traumatic experiences
We all desire to be loved and win the approval of others. The challenge is realizing that by avoiding one set of negative feelings, we’re setting ourselves up for another by sacrificing our own comfort and peace of mind.
Why Is It Important for HSPs to Set Boundaries?
When we lack the ability to set boundaries, we can feel resentful or even angry that our time and energy is being spent on people and events that drain us and not what we need to feel whole. When HSPs do set clear boundaries, we are able to better:
protect our mental, emotional, and physical well-being
maintain healthy relationships
experience greater feelings of self-respect and worth
prevent burnout and energy depletion
experience greater personal growth
protect ourselves from manipulation and abuse
achieve a better balance between responsibility and self-care
In short, being able to set the proper boundaries helps us be better coworkers, friends, and significant others. We are able to show up the way we need to in our lives.
How Can HSPs Set Boundaries in a Way That Feels Good?
So, how can HSPs set stronger boundaries that align with our values, and what does that look like? Here are some tips and examples:
1. Work on Your Self-Awareness
It’s probably one of the more obvious ones, but a little self-awareness can go a long way in understanding your boundary needs in terms of your personal limitations and emotional triggers. Take some time to reflect on your past experiences when having a stronger boundary set in place would have helped an uncomfortable or hurtful situation turn out better.
For example, maybe there was a time when a family get-together turned into an all-out brawl because you engaged in a political discussion that got out of hand. What might have happened if you were able to tell your family member that you appreciate his passion for the topic, but that’s not a conversation you’d like to have at that time? Or maybe you went against your instinct and decided to lend a friend something meaningful to you, and they never returned or lost it. What might have happened if you politely explained how much value it had for you and that you didn’t feel comfortable lending it in the first place?
Use what you’re learning to be more aware of boundaries that might work for you in the future. It also helps to anticipate these conversations (best you can) and plan what you’re going to say.
2. Create a “Desired Boundaries” Wish List
List out all the boundaries you’d like to practice setting in place. For example, would you like your coworkers to stop asking you such personal questions? Do you need your family or friends to stop calling or texting you at all hours of the day? Do you need your spouse to offer you a different level of care and support?
Once you have this list of boundaries, jot down all the ways you could ask for these needs. For example, say you’re a freelancer whose clients demands you to hand in work within an impossible turnaround time, despite your contract outlining the time you need. Plan out what you would say to them so you can ask for what you need confidently. It might look something like, “I understand you’d like this work handed over quickly. I try to accommodate rush work when I can, but my schedule doesn’t always allow for this. Moving forward, please send me your needs at least five business days in advance, per the terms in our contract, so I can give your project the attention it needs.”
Creating this list will give you clarity in and around your needs so you can be more proactive about asking for them. Furthermore, if people continue to ignore your needs, it may be time to move on.
3. Practice Being More Assertive
Assertiveness and HSP don’t seem like they’d mesh well, but we can be assertive when it comes to setting boundaries. When I say “assertive,” I don’t mean bullish or cruel but coming from a place of confidence and strength.
The best way to be more assertive with setting boundaries is to be clear about saying what isn’t working and how it can work better. For example, imagine you have a long-distance friend who wants you to come visit them often. They want to hang out with you, which sounds great! But travelling so much is draining, and you wish they’d come visit you some of the time. Being assertive might look like saying, “I can’t wait to see you soon, but I’m not able to travel so much in the coming months. Are you able to come visit me this time or meet somewhere in the middle?”
This works well because you aren’t placing blame on the other person but at the same time, you’re communicating your needs. Another example is, “I’m sorry I can’t make it this weekend, but I need to introvert and recharge,” versus, “You’re really suffocating me with all these plans!” As Brené Brown, a professor who studies empathy, says, (and it’s true!): “Clear is kind. Unclear is unkind.”
4. Say “No” to Requests That Drain You
Since HSPs are empathetic, we often struggle to say “no.” Remember that you can do so without being rude or nasty, and do your best to remind yourself it’s an essential form of self-care and preservation.
Most of us say “yes” to too many things that drain our time and energy. For example, I used to join every club and committee I was asked to take on. It made me feel good to be needed, until it was overwhelming and my guilt for not being able to keep up with the work was taking a toll on my mental health. Once I resigned, I felt like a huge weight had been lifted off my shoulders.
It’s easy to think that only we can fill a certain pair of shoes, but there is always someone who can step in and help in our absence. Never feel like you have to be the one to take it one and let others step in when the time is right.
5. Set Boundaries Early and Often
It would be awesome if we could set boundaries once and be done with it, but that’s not how boundaries works. Boundaries work best when they are set up early in your relationships and reinforced along the way. This helps people understand how important these boundaries are to you and reminds them about your needs.
For example, maybe during a major life transition, you have a friend or family member who is kind enough to let you stay with them. You notice they pop their head in your room or knock on your door often, consistently infringing upon your personal space. You can say something like, “I truly appreciate you letting me stay here, and I love that you’re checking in one me. I know it comes from a place of love, but I’d like to remind you that I need lots of alone time right now.”
I love this example because it shows that you can still be kind and empathetic to another’s needs while also standing up for your own. Most people don’t realize when they’re infringing upon someone else’s needs and could use that gentle reminder or guidance.
6. Seek Lots of Support and Validation
Surround yourself with supportive friends, family members, and professional such as coaches or therapists who understand what you’re going through and can give you honest feedback. I often ask my husband, “I am crazy for expecting this treatment?” or, “Do you think it would be ok if I asked for —?”
When you consult people whom you love and trust, it can soothe your fears and help you feel more confident as you sort out what you’d like to say and how to say it. It’s also wise to stop sharing these sentiments with those who make you feel guilty or selfish. This can cause you to ruminate more or feel even worse, which can counteract your boundary-setting efforts.
7. Be Kind and Compassionate with Yourself
Above all, do your best to be gentle with yourself as your practice setting more boundaries in your life. Yes, it feels amazing to stand up for your needs, but people will push back and there will be times when things don’t unfold as planned.
Remember that developing boundary-setting skills take time and lots of practice. No one is perfect, and you might say or do something you’re not proud of in the messiness of it all. Use these moments as a learning experience and do your best to move on.
Also, don’t forget to celebrate your progress! Keep record of boundaries you’ve set well that had a positive outcome. Note how it went and how it made you feel. When you doubt yourself, read through your list to remind yourself that you’ve done it in the past, you can do it again in the future. You deserve to feel good about your efforts, regardless of the outcome.
Embrace Your Sensitivity One Healthy Boundary at a Time
Being an HSP comes along with some challenges, and setting healthy boundaries is one of them. Above all, you deserve to feel good about the way you handle your needs, and you deserve to take charge of how people treat you.
If you need support and would like to talk through a better way to set and reinforce your boundaries, reach out to me at Happy HSP Coaching for a free discovery session. We can discuss the challenges you’re facing and come up with a solution that works best for you.